Confessions of a 5'1"

There was this boy I used to talk to last year. He lived on my street and we'd always walk home together after school and have the most peculiar conversations. He was a strange one, after all.

I asked him one day about the half full or half empty glass question, "Which do you see?" There wasn't a hesitation in his response, "Neither, I'd be trying to figure out what exactly was in the cup."

"What if it was your soul?"
"Why would it only take up half the glass?"
"Maybe you just have a small soul."
"Maybe I'll just eat yours and mine will grow."
"Fuck off, it's mine...."

One Friday, I stopped him in the middle of the street with the rain drenching our shapeless bodies. A few cars honked at us to move, but they only joined in with Nature's symphony in the background. We stood still for a moment and I made a grab for his hand and placed it over my heart.

"Do you feel that?" I asked him. He'd only nod.
"It's ticking like a cheap clock," I explain. "But it still tells the time, even if it's a few minutes-or an hour off."

I watched him get under the shelter of his front porch and slowly look back at me with a kind smile. There always was enough sun for us both.

I was the strange one, after all.

So, I'm not sure where to start this; but I suppose I already have. Last night after our conversation I couldn't sleep, and then later I did. And I was not bothered until I woke up again. I had my break, as did it but I didn't want it to come back so soon. Perhaps I shall nap again and take my escape.

But what if I was to awake somewhere unfamiliar? Flowers woven in my hair and a song waiting to be stolen by the birds down below. What am I to think?

I do not understand.
It must be because I am too simple, I don't perceive the depths of words. I have too soon set limits on them and the original doesn't mean itself anymore.
I do not understand.
It must be because I am too complex, I over analyze these made-up patterns-a new one born anytime I am stuck to provide myself with another conclusion.
I say it three times, I do not understand.

How are the thousands of miles between us diminishing while your heart and soul is drifting further away from me?

How is it I am falling asleep.

I've been holding onto the rope for a long time now, the tension pulling at the pieces.
Ever since I fell out, I've been reaching for these life savers, these things that people throw out to me. Will you let me drown...?

I don't understand how the hardest thing about holding on isn't the pain you endure. It isn't the burning sensation through your hands nor the discouragement from others. It isn't the thought of losing whatever it is, no matter how much I wish it was. It's having to let go.

I got tired of reaching for visions that are only that.
I allow the rope to slip from my fingers and float between tendrils to the bottom--Now I know what I believe in.

And I think to myself:
So this is what its like...
To breathe for the first time.

I've always been walking alone; but I don't mean to.
When I turn around, everybody is so far far behind- and I feel it in my heart.
But I keep walking anyways
Because;
I don't want to be afraid anymore.

You tell me that one day you'll catch up to me.
And we'll hold hands like we once did when we were five.

I walk through cities, I climb through mountains
Wherever I go I am always in your sight
I keep walking
Step after step, forwards, to the left & to the right.
But never back.
I count my steps and divide when I stumble
But before you can reach me, I'm already walking again.
My shadow stretches closer to you than I ever will
but my heart is closer to yours than its own beat.
And one day, I'm afraid when I turn around to look for you
You won't be there...

Doctor, it has been a while since I felt like this-- I never expected it to happen at this time.

I don't know if you'll understand my complications, but that's ok. I only wanted some advice, perhaps a suggestion or two on what I should do about this situation of mine:

It's a bit painful, yet comforting at the same time. I never realized the magnitude to only be put on hold. For approximately a year, I suppose. I can do that, I can wait. Don't worry, I can be patient on things like this. But it bothers me a bit, that he'll be so far away. I really can't say that though, cause it'll be the same when I go as well.

I want to know him better. There, I said it. I like him. There, I said it. I admit though, I am shy.

I comprehend the reasons, please don't stress-I know you have enough already. Honestly, this would be for the best considering the circumstances.. but that doesn't make me feel any better. Truthfully, this would be the time for me to concentrate on school.. but that doesn't mean I'm able. Frankly, this would be when I take a deep breath and move on.. but that doesn't mean I will. Like I said, I can wait. I will wait and cross my fingers things turn out right.

Doctor, the thing is...
I think I sprained my heart.