Confessions of a 5'1"

It's dark and this is the third day I can't sleep, maybe because I keep dreaming of what's already gone. There's a lot of different kinds of silences, but the kind when even darkness is still is the one I'm afraid of the most. I'm too used to hearing your voice or your breath next to my ear. When it's not there, it tears right through me. We both know I'm not that strong, but I think you forgot. I might be the only one who remembers me.

And once you find me again,
"_____, don't cry" you'll tell me. I'll look at you with tears in my eyes and say, "Yes."

I'll keep trying because that's what I said I would do from the start.
But for tonight, I guess I'll just pretend that I'm not alone.

Dear World,

You've taken 15 people out of my life. You've managed to strip the things I kept close to my heart. You did a really good job of that. You've disordered my emotions and peeled away at my soul. You've kept me sleep deprived and working late. I've nearly given up multiple times.

I heard that "Strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain."
I resent that.

Strength is how well you are able to turn the pain into your advantage.
Pain doesn't need to be hidden, that only proves how afraid you are of being human.

I'm going to keep waking up in this hell just to spite and irritate you. I might get slower at getting up everyday, but you better damn well know I'll be standing no matter how empty you have made me. All that shit you played on me? Its what keeps pulling me up.

Sincerly,
Me

P.S. Fuck you.

Hmm. I don't need more. I just need you.

I met a man waiting at the airport bus stop a week ago.

He paused before stepping through the doors.
Turning back to me, he had the soft, concerned look of a father who realized his mistakes as he raised his own child and lived with the guilt of reducing his family from 3 to 2 just so he could follow his own dreams.
"I'm not afraid to keep on living.
You shouldn't be either." he told me and boarded the vehicle.

I sat there, thinking those words over. I scrambled them, I rolled them. I tore them apart and put them back together. But what I was looking for was exactly how he gave it to me.

By that time, another man took a seat next to me. I think I probably missed a few of my buses by then. He was dressed well, with a clean face and smoothed hair. There were a few wrinkles near his eyes, but he didn't look that old. His shoes were dead black and coated with a light layer of dirt from travel. He had his coat hung over an arm and was speaking quietly on the phone in his other hand. From the tone and the way his brows furrowed so often I could guess it wasn't going well.

After he closed the call, his hand slumped into his lap defeated and he had the look of power and wealth but gave off the energy of someone crushed. I didn't know what I was thinking, but as he stood up to board I spoke aloud the words the previous man left for me. He paused in his path, the only acknowledgement that he heard me. He didn't turn around or respond but then continued up the steps, but he was seated next to a window and as the bus drove forward I could catch the glimmer of tears on his cheeks.

I think I understand what he meant now.

I know its been a long time, about a year now that we haven't seen each other. But you know what? You're still my best friend. Even though we haven't talked for months. We both realize that we're only a text, a call, an email, a message away from one another and our hearts have always been right next to each other.

I wanted to remind you today that you know me. I know that sounds kind of funny, but I don't know how else to word it.

I'm still that girl you got into reading in Grade 3 & 4.
I'm still that girl you literally save every Friday in PE class when we run the track.
I'm still that girl you played pretend/imagine with every breathing moment in elementary.
I'm still that girl you wrote letters to after I moved in Grade 5+
I'm still that girl you co-wrote stories with all day when we would visit.
I'm still that girl you spooned with those days we went to Mexico together and spent hours at night up because we couldn't stop laughing.

No matter how much we change, physically-mentally; I still know you and you me. Of course there will be times where we would stop and look at each other and wonder who this other person is, but thats ok- Because we would realize: This is my sister. My best friend, this is she and I accept that.

Or we would end up beating each other up over why we changed so much.

Go on. Go on.

This is your life and I hope you're living it the way you want. Are you who you want to be? Is today how you saw it? What makes you feel alive?

If you ever need, hell even when you don't, anyone you know where I am.

I'll listen, I'll cry.
I'll find what it is you need, I'll help.
I'll laugh, I'll love.
I'll order that meal for you.
I'll beat up that person.
I'll brush your cat.

And, ok.
I'll admit it: I miss you.

Happy birthday again, J, RainNose, Kaye, Jeni, whatever alias you are under.
Love you more than any hormone infested boy will.

-Me.

Can you forgive me?

What if I wanted to run away.
What if I wasn't running from you.
Are you able to see past the blood on my hands? The corpse before me?
Look at me, and tell me if what you see is who I am.
Would you take the place of this man?

I lower my head in disappointment and the nails fall from my hands
You turn in the opposite direction and begin to walk away.
I'm just waiting for someone to pick me up off the floor.
To engulf me in strong arms and tell me:
"It's ok. We're all guilty of the same things."

You are forgiven.